Just Writing

 I want to do the dishes but I don't want to mess with our hot water supply so we can both shower tonight. I just want to write right now. There have been a lot of things I've wanted to do but that I've never get around to at the end of the day. It's nice to feel like I'm accomplishing something sitting here for a little bit.

Phone distraction is a big problem for me again. I don't have a lot of energy to keep up habits and strict regimens and it's very easy to fall into periods where I drop the pretense of trying to do better or make more of an effort. This is happening more often at work and much more often at home. It isn't exactly a nice feeling, either, but there are themes of security and resolve when I zone out of the problems and concerns I have.

It's the same manner that I had growing up with my GameBoy, computer games, and Nintendo 64 use, but it's not exactly exclusive to media. I would use the same behaviors to bury myself in a book. Really, I wonder if I have an addictive personality, because the urge to come back to those "safe harbors" has been such a reoccurring thing throughout my life. It's something that I have to take a little break to collect myself before I fight against it again.

I had that sort of behavior even throughout my mission. Even without access to video games or media I needed something else to fall back to. This could even be the scriptures, but more often it was study aids like the Bible Dictionary or Bible Maps.

Social commitment tends to be agonizing for me. It sometimes feels more like a chore than a pleasure. I've said before that I've been pretty happy with the pandemic in the sense that it's limited the pressures to be more social. I've had problems with loneliness over the past couple of years but that's never been an issue during quarantining. I got married in mid April before any rigorous stay-at-home measures were instituted, and that makes a world of difference for me. I really struggle with social relationships, although I feel pretty secure in my relationships with my parents and with Emily. The difficulty for me is finding a balance in those relationships; I don't ask a lot out of other people, so it's hard to process when people need more from me.

Having friends scares me. The question of give-and-take with friends is a huge gray area, thus I want to have a hands-off attitude about it. I don't really have ongoing friendships of any substance with most people I grew up with, mission companions, roommates, etc. for this reason. I feel a lot of guilt because of the people I don't reach out to. Often I really like someone as a person, but I don't feel like I have much to contribute to their lives. It's a huge, formless question and it's easier to neglect than to engage with it.

These are some of my thoughts today.

--Joshua